She chose happiness…

As she sat confined to the prison she so diligently designed for her self thoughts ran through her mind the numbness that had once consumed her and left the remainder of her heart cold and hard were subsiding. As she sat in the room she had painted a dark blue. The room a constant reminder of the heartache she was hiding. The room seemed to constrict her breathing as she walked to the large window of her room and drew the curtains back as the sun started peaking through the gray in the clouds it highlighted the dust she had stirred by moving the cloth. Her heart seemed to burn with pain surfacing she no longer could sit in her prison it seemed to bring the very pain she was hiding within. an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia overwhelmed her senses .

You would think that after  years she would have learned how to manage her  time, emotions, hunger for adventure. The dual personalities she so profoundly possessed like a ferocious lioness always demanding attention wanting to be touched caressed treated like the queen she had demanded she was.
Only if this was the whole of her but her true inner self conflicted by the other much different humble solemn friendly but never delicate. Perhaps she is a lioness who brings her prey in with coy and beauty, once herded she then ravages the very soul of which was so wisely trusted. That was her desire the hard coldness of the world had made her aspire to be. wrong or right she was torn by emotion and pain.

As she approached the day she made a decision she would become more of the woman she had idealized  in her mind and lose her true value she would no longer see herself as the woman the past had beaten.

As the days and years past the loneliness of her choices begain to take hold. the days became years and laughter smiles and love were lost to her. She grieved for the woman torn between love and hurt she welcomed those thoughts & feelings now even as she mourned for her.

Feeling as though she had spent days in vein she cried for her life. she remained in solitude examining herself wondering if the hurt was worth the love she denied herself.

One rainy fall day she felt the need to walk not sure where she would venture she raised her face to the rain feeling the water kiss her face it purified her very soul

 Today She smiled because  her direction her thoughts were no longer a prison for her she stopped caring about wither she was right or wrong she started listening to her feelings the voice within her heart. She would be liberated from the illusions her mind created  the overwhelming sense of hurt betrayal that she was so accustomed to. she would stray from the anguish within her very soul the feeling that cut her like a knife the tears that once become a familiar friend would dry. This day she would no longer reach out to those darkened emotions for solitude. With a deep breath she looked at the rippled pond and saw her reflection & realized her inner beauty and vowed that she would be the heroin in her life the change she so desperately needed she would feel the moments as they came without out fear as her mind became clear for the first time in many years. She found that one person she had been searching for her entire life in the reflection of a pond on a crisp fall day as the world fell dying  around her and she found life. 

She thought as she walked home; Did anyone ever notice she has lived in gray and yet managed to go through each moment as if she knew exactly what she was doing like there is no in between. Do others really not see how lost she can be how confused? How everyday she  feels as if her insides are going to tie their selves up in knots and reject her body? …..


We lost you today & the world kept spinning ; mine stood still frozen in pain

You were gone and the wind still blew the rivers still flowed; my heart broken

Your voice your presence the essence that is you;forever lost today

Tomorrow the memories of your laughter & smile will fade

But today I remember.